Infidelity

Infidelity is difficult on a marriage, to say the least.  But we have found recovery is possible and a better marriage can be the outcome with hard work.

I help couples heal from infidelity first using EMDR and then utilizing Gottman’s Affair Recovery.

EMDR can greatly relieve the trauma associated with finding out your spouse has been with someone else.  This unresolved trauma often dominates the room. Betrayed partners frequently express a painful refrain of “I can’t get over it.”  This is sometimes accompanied by “why” questions.  “Why did my partner cheat?”  “What is wrong with me that made my partner cheat?” “Why does this still affect me after all this time?”  EMDR is an excellent therapy for reducing the pain associated with these symptoms, which can be similar to PTSD.  EMDR does not take away the memories, but it does greatly reduce the distress, allowing the marriage to be repaired.  The obtrusive thoughts lessen a great deal and then they can deal with rebuilding the marriage.

What can sometimes be missed is the partner who crossed the boundary often presents with different – but still clinically significant – patterns of stress responses shaped by shame, fear of loss, and attachment threat.

I see partners who have cheated feel internally panicked about being judged or rejected, mentally rehearsing defenses or they may come in emotionally shut down as a way of coping.  They may be thinking “I’ve ruined everything” “I’m a terrible person” “I have to fix this right now” or “I can’t take this in or I will collapse.”  These internal states can drive defensiveness, minimization, avoidance, blaming, and/or an urgency to move on. This pattern of thinking interferes with accountability, empathy, and meaningful repair when left unaddressed.

While traditional infidelity interventions may stall due to the emotional dysregulation of trauma, EMDR helps both sides of a relational rupture by getting the nervous systems ready for relational repair.

(Two other helpful uses of EMDR is to target any sexual addictions that may be present which can lead to infidelity and using EMDR to ease into trusting each other again for a fulfilling sexual relationship.)

Once we can regulate the nervous system, Gottman’s Atone, Attune, and Attach method of affair recovery is helpful in working through the infidelity.

Atone is the first stage, where both parties accept the painful reality of what happened and where the relationship currently stands.  The person who was unfaithful takes responsibility and expresses remorse.  Structure and safety is provided for difficult discussions to de-escalate conflict and prevent repetitive, unproductive arguments. This is a hard stage for both parties but is necessary to completely heal and move on to a successful marriage.

Attune involves processing emotions or trauma, grief, and anger associated with the betrayal and understanding the “why” (the context and vulnerabilities) that led to the infidelity.  We dive deep into the deeper reasons the choice was made to step outside the relationship and find solutions together to repair.

The third stage is Attach, where we work to rebuild intimacy and forge a new, stronger, shared future.

Working through the trauma of an affair is difficult work, but we have found using EMDR and Gottman’s 3 stages it is completely possible to heal from infidelity.